An update in my self-talk group of posts about money.
I’m continuing to succeed only variously at getting Out of The Office. This morning, I volunteered with Literacy Volunteers, but told the powers that be that I would make up my time by staying later a couple evenings. Why did I do that? I’m not an hourly employee. I have a lot of flexibility at a small law firm if I let myself.
I rushed to get in to the office at noon. Everything was busy and full of light and activity outside. I had to remember to breathe as I grabbed a sandwich, because it was 12:05pm.
Walking in to the office, it was dead silent. The receptionist had been working her other job on the weekend and looked like she had been falling asleep. The usual pall of powder blue and those paintings hung in the eighties that you don’t even notice until three months later fell upon me. The only activity was the slow swirling of the receptionist’s Betta fish it its small bowl on the desk, for which I entirely give her credit. Why did I even bother?
Sitting at my computer, forcing myself to work–and yes, that did make it easier as I continued to concentrate–I kept getting urges for beautiful things. Clothes. Colors. Colors in clothes and jewelry. I had this urge to click into Google and start looking for what I needed to make my life better. The telltale sign is that when I actually do pick something to wear in the morning, I want to wear the more conservative and low-key stuff. I never want to pull on something trendy with my eyes half-open. Ugh. The desire for color is a desire for stimulation and for happiness.
This isn’t a new realization, that I do this. I was just paying particular attention, observing, today.
I was able to avoid the urges today, but it’s important to write about, because one urge turns into a very fast way to spend a day’s salary or more. I only get five days worth a week! At times I do need clothes, boots, or even accessories. Yet, I want to avoid “it’s not that I need it, it’s that it will alleviate the static atmosphere here at work.” A little hit of dopamine, same as with all the coffees…and my desire to go to the candy shop. One solution could be only buying stuff I need like clothes, when I do need them, from home. I also need to get my color print up on the wall and add some more color–color that is not fashion–to my walls.